Do you feel like others don’t listen to you, and it infuriates you and makes you feel worthless?
A client recently came to me with a problem: he feels helpless, like no one listens to him or cares what he has to say.
I thought about this problem and realized it was not unique to him. Many people feel powerless and neglected because others don’t obey them. They blame others and often go into victim mode, feeling no one cares about them!
The question is: when others don’t listen to you and follow your advice, does it mean you don’t matter to them?
I will ask you the same question I asked my client: “Do you always take the advice of another person seriously and follow what you are told?”
My client said, “No, I don’t always do it because often I find their advice irrelevant. Sometimes I don’t even pay attention to what the other person is saying because I know what they are going to say.”
This was a very honest assessment, and if you assess your response to others’ advice, you might find you respond similarly.
So, my next question to my client was, “If you don’t take what others have to say seriously, isn’t it unfair to expect others to listen to you?”
In today’s day and age, most people across all ages, including kids, do not want advice. Thanks to the continuous bombardment of content from all directions, most of us feel we know it all. And for whatever we don’t, there is AI! It has solutions for all our problems, and we don’t have to waste our time listening patiently to someone else.
This urge to make others listen to you and follow what you recommend comes from a common trait many of us have-the desire to control others because it gives a feeling of Power!
Usually, we try to control people below us in hierarchy, like our kids, subordinates, spouses, house help, etc. Many of these entities, like our kids, subordinates, and house help, are obliged to listen to us because they are dependent on us for a salary or for life itself (in the case of kids). When it comes to kids, this control lasts a few years until they develop a mind of their own, which happens at a very young age because of the awareness they have. However, as parents, we have more life experience, and we feel that we can help our children by advising them. But children don’t listen, and we feel that they don’t care.
We need to adapt to the rapid evolution of new technologies and processes. We need to acknowledge that change is the only constant in our lives. Just because we might have been kids who gave in to the “control” of our parents, bosses, or superiors, we cannot expect the same from others today.
The knowledge, awareness, and mindset of people are quite different from those of previous generations.
Does that mean that we need to spend the rest of our lives feeling powerless and useless?
The simple answer is NO!
We need to find the place where true power lies!
And I am going to lead you there…
Spiritual Gurus and philosophers have told us, “We cannot control other people or our circumstances.” And I will like to reiterate this! This is a very important mantra for life!
Now the question arises: if we can’t control others, then is there anything that we can control?
YES! You Can Control Many things in Your Life-
Your Physical and Mental Health
One of the most important areas of our lives that we often tend to neglect is our health. Physical and mental health both need to be prioritized. The best part is that they are entirely in your control.
I believe that the foundation of good mental health is good physical health. Regular exercise and sunshine can do wonders for your physical health. They also improve your mental health because exercise releases hormones/chemicals that regulate your mood and feelings.
Besides physical exercise, you can also focus on your mental health with meditation, breath work, etc.
Taking responsibility for your health and seeing results makes you feel confident and good.
Your Stress
Stress is a term we are all familiar with. However, each of us manages stress differently. Interestingly, the same situation can trigger stress in one person and not in another person. A classic example is two people stuck in traffic. One person might get irritated and anxious; the other may stay patient and divert their mind with music, etc.
We can control stress by identifying our stress triggers. When we analyze our triggers, we may find that we might be unnecessarily getting stressed over things that we cannot control or things that are not worth our time. Some examples of unnecessary stress triggers are brooding over the past, inability to control others, striving for perfection, etc.
Since triggers are different for each one of us, we need to identify our specific triggers and nip them in the bud.
We can reduce a lot of our stress by working on it. And reducing stress makes you feel free and light. If you have done it yourself, it boosts your self-esteem and makes you feel powerful.
Take Charge of Your Happiness
We all want to be happy, and we try to find happiness in different ways. For some, it may be going on vacations; for others, it might be acquiring certain materials; some may feel acquiring a lot of wealth will make them happy. Such goals give us happiness that doesn’t last too long. Chasing things like wealth or material possessions can be an endless pursuit because most people are never satisfied despite how much they have.
Happiness is not a destination that you have to work hard towards. On the contrary, happiness exists all around us, and we are ignorant. It is the emotion we feel when we drink a warm cup of coffee; it surfaces when we have a fulfilling conversation with a loved one; when we have a good night’s sleep, etc. Learning a new skill can also give you happiness. Working on your personal growth is another area that makes us feel happy. The idea is to find the activities or things that make you happy, things that are not dependent on other people or materials, etc.
Remember, your happiness does not depend on other people, materials, or circumstances. You can be happy irrespective of these. It depends on identifying your sources of happiness and repeating those activities.
Taking control of your happiness can feel empowering.
Your Emotions
People can make us feel unhappy, angry, sad, happy, hurt, etc. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be affected by what others say or do.
You cannot control the behavior and words of others. It is also impossible to control our emotions that are driven by others’ behavior. But there is something that we can do!
We can control how long we remain disturbed. If someone’s words have hurt us, we can decide how long we want to stay hurt. The hurt may be deep and difficult to overcome; I can vouch for this. But it is not impossible. We need to accept the grief, be compassionate with ourselves, and give ourselves time to heal. At the same time, we need to proactively engage in activities that distract us. We can spend time with others who make us feel light and happy. With time, we will heal, but “how much time” is in our control. Spending our time doing activities that make us feel happy reduces the duration of the hurt state.
When we master the art of reclaiming control of our emotions from others, we become powerful. We will not get ruffled by others easily.
Your Time
Time is a scarce commodity, and the good news is that you can control how you spend it. It is entirely in your hands, quite literally, in your smartphone!
You can manage your time by first auditing how you spend it normally. Go through your entire routine: what activities you perform during the day and their duration. Then check if the duration of any of them can be reduced. You also need to prioritize those activities that uplift you.
This assessment will help you identify where your time is leaking, and you can plug those gaps. If you do an honest assessment, many of you might discover you waste more time scrolling your mobile than you expected. You might also find you waste time getting into irrelevant discussions or arguments on WhatsApp, or buying unnecessary products that show up on your feed.
Once you identify areas where you waste your time and can control it, it really feels great!
Your Wealth
Money is something we all need and want. Again, how much is the question? I have found that for many people it can somehow never be enough!
Be grateful if you have a regular income because that has become rare. Spend your money wisely and try to build savings. Track your spending patterns and identify areas where you might be wasting money. For instance, you may be wasting money on impulse shopping or eating out frequently; minimize your expenses. Also, ensure that you invest wisely.
In the age of instant gratification, we want to “get rich quick,” and greed often lands us in trouble. We could get scammed or lose money to fraudsters.
We need to handle money cautiously and try to follow the age-old maxim to “live within our means.”
If you track your expenses, save, and invest wisely, you will build a safe and secure life for yourself and your family.
Your Behavior
While we cannot control other people’s behavior, we can control ours!
You have complete control over your words, thoughts, and actions. Unfortunately, we are often unaware of this power. We may speak or act in a hurtful manner with others or disturb their peace of mind. For instance, people who like to talk a lot rarely have control over their words. They are only interested in dominating a conversation and least interested in what others have to say. This is an interesting situation where they expect undivided attention from others, but they don’t care to reciprocate. Some say things intentionally or unintentionally to hurt others. These are things we can control. We should be clear and precise in what we are trying to convey. It is equally important to think before we speak so that we don’t communicate something we didn’t intend.
Similarly, what we do for ourselves or someone else is in our control. We can buy a gift, throw a surprise party, or treat someone badly; whatever we want to do is in our control. However, if we say or do something expecting appreciation from the other person, we are giving control to someone else.
Whether we want to be good to someone or “not so good”, the decision should be ours. Our words and actions should be deliberate.
Also, don’t allow others to control you! Try to get away from the trap of “they made me angry”, etc. Let your behavior not be a reaction to what someone else has said or done.
Well! We started feeling powerless, and I have given you a long list of things that you can control to become powerful.
Many of us don’t focus on these areas because we expect someone else to do things for us. However, control and power come only when we do things for our personal growth.
Some people don’t take control of their lives because they feel they are being selfish. However, taking charge of your mind and body is the most unselfish thing to do because you are not dependent on anyone else to take care of you.
Then many hesitate to make decisions for themselves because they are afraid their decisions could backfire. Unfortunately, these are the people who will remain powerless because true power lies in making decisions for your life and having the strength to face the consequences.
Final Words
Finally, it is all about taking personal responsibility for your life! We look for power by trying to control others or our circumstances, and when we can’t, we feel powerless. It is time to channelise your time and attention to things you can control- your life- and take control, because true power lies there!